luna heaven

To Continuing

"To continuing," I said.

Are you guys laughing at me? I understand if you are, because I am laughing a little bit. I reread my first (and only) blog post and really cracked up. I was so sincere. Unfortunately, yes, it did go quietly in the night, and here I am trying to shine a light with a whole new thing.

Hello again. This may sound more casual than my first blog post. The filter of pretentiousness has been removed as of now, because I am writing whatever just to write. Allen Ginsberg once famously said, "First thought, best thought." When I was younger, I agreed wholeheartedly, but I never put it to practice. My constant editing and self-criticism as I wrote was exhausting. Honestly, I wanted to sound deep and inspired, but that prohibited me from actually writing with my voice, and it prohibited me from writing at all since I was so tired of it. With my first thoughts, you don't have to wade through my unnecessary grandiosity, and I don't have to perform, which was one of my initial goals with my blog. I don't know what clicked now, but I am trying, for real this time. Seems like I am so late to learning from my mistakes, but at least...

Sorry if I lost your trust from before. I was even goaded many times like "When are you going to post again?", but I just laughed it off and said, "Yes, soon! I am working on it!" Little lies that I tried to pass off, for me and for you too, but hey, I am a writer. Procrastination is part of it... Kidding, kind of. I am just saying that to make myself feel better about the lost time. I am more sorry to myself about that. Time passed, no improvements were made; I ruminated with half-baked ideas and posts I never finished. I currently have eight drafts of silly ramblings. I am worse than those substack essay writers. At least they finish, despite their arrogance! Will any other person read my stuff besides me? Time will tell, or time will pass again.

I am also sorry to myself because Wordpress is selling all of the work on its website to OpenAI. I remember being in between Wordpress and Squarespace, but I chose Wordpress when looking at all the pros and cons. Well, now there's such a big con like okay no backbone or artistic integrity! Do I regret starting my blog? I don't regret the "venture", sure, but I regret doing it on there. I guess that is a plus side of not posting a lot there :p Neocities, be good to me please. At least this is free and I can customize however I want. I have so much power! I just have to learn how to code. Win some, lose some.

Everything about this is already unlike my current habits. Coding?? Writing and keeping myself accountable? Coding????? What is the point of this, you may be asking (again). I failed the first time, and it's a little comical to try again, especially on this website that is so bare bones that I have the default everything right now. Like I said, novelty is exciting, finishing something is so daunting, blah blah blah. The main thing is practicing my discipline. Cultivating my habits for the better and revisiting my passions are also big parts of it.

When I procrastinated with writing for my blog, I blamed my erratic work schedule with my wack two jobs - the despair and hopelessness sparking only a lack of motivation. True, the hours were strange, and I did feel sad about being unemployed in spirit, but I had so much free time compared to now. I should have taken advantage, but now, it seems I have fallen into this routine:

  • Wake up
  • Go to work
  • Work
  • Go home
  • Shower
  • Eat dinner
  • Play/scroll/do everything but read and write
  • Sleep

I act like there's no time to do anything, but it's just me being comfortable with doing everything but putting in the effort to work on myself and the things that matter.

I want to spend a lot of time on this website, so I should be punched in the face if I don't update it past the basic html, with more customization and at least 10 more posts or stories. If I don't do this, it's a very bleak future for me. If I abandon this, just like everything else, where's the hope that I can do anything meaningful for myself? Ugh, the dramatics are creeping back in, but it's true. I will never change if I don't make the effort. It is strange, to say that I am starting change with this little website, but it's just the start. Thank you for reading. I am embarrassed, but I am working to get rid of the permanent shame too.

Sorry if this was all over the place. First thought may not always be best thought, but for now I am satisfied with finishing at least one piece of writing. It's all for me, in the end.

- Luna, age 23, March 7, 12:13AM